Last month the UK couldn’t decide on who should be the next Government. This month, opinion is even more polarised – over the love or loathing of the vuvuzela.

The plastic replicas of traditional South African horns have split our nation in two and debate over whether to ban or encourage them during and beyond the FIFA World Cup has raged on Twitter.

So it was only a matter of time before an entrepreneur stepped forward with a money-making importation and customisation idea. Personal opinions over these giant kazoos aside, I felt it was time for a list of fantasy customised vuvuzelas that would doubtless be lapped up by British consumers:

1. The @Stella_Artois VuvuStella – for ordering strong lager in busy pubs before last orders.

2. The @beansmeansheinz Vuvusmella – for yet more trumpeted blasts of air.

3. The @first_direct Vuvudweller – a freebie sweetener for lucky customers who’ve had mortgage applications approved.

4. The @stamfordthelion Chelsea FC Bluebluezella – see what I did there?

5. The @paulweller Vuvuweller – it can get you out of any scoooter Jam.

6. The @loaded_website Vuvufella – for blokeish readers to sound in pick-up joints, when they’ve got the horn.

7. The @oxford_english Vuvuspeller – for literary perfectionists to sound every time a misspelling is spotted.

8. The @SirAlanMSugar Vuvuseller – for armchair fans to show their support during the next Apprentice series.

9. The @Bellamag VuvuBella – girls, sound the alarm at the first sign of any wardrobe dilemma.

10. And finally, a must-have: the @majesticwine Vuvucellar – toot to signal your imminent thirst when stocks are running dry.